A Few Things I've Learned Over The Past 25 Years...

So barring nothing tragic happening to me in the next three days I will actually have out lived my Mom. How is that for an opening... You see 25 years ago on March 16, 1989 my Mom was killed at the hands of a drunk driver in front of me and my teammates at my softball game. Funny thing is, is that I was mad as all get out at my mom. I didn’t want her at my game, but that afternoon as I turned around to get the signs from my coach for the next pitch I saw my mom sitting in the stands. She kept smiling at me. Giving me that little smirk and lifted eyebrow as if to say I’ve got your number kid. She knew how to play my game and would not give into my 14 year old antics. In between the last innings she pulled me out of the dug-out and now what seems to be prophetic said in her southern voice, “No matter what happens know that I will always love you and whatever you do from here on out, be sure to make God smile.” She scooted out to go set up an event at our church. She got in her car, turned left onto Lambert Road and in a sound that still wakes me up at night left this world to be with Jesus.

Shortly after my mom died, I was angry. I hated God and I hated the person that killed my mom.  One Sunday when I was walking down the hallway of our church I overheard someone say that I was going to be going to hell in a hand basket now that my Mom was gone. So pretty much, I now hated three people! I was bitter towards this person for some time, but I now can show them some grace because in all reality they weren’t exactly wrong. The years from 1989 to 1999 were pretty much outlined with bad choices, hurtful relationships, running from my creator, hiding behind walls of shame, and living life for my own purposes. Sounds like hell to me. But the Lord in his mercy gave me another chance to begin living, living for Him. Without going into too much detail, after walking away from the Lord for 10 years he wooed me back in and since October of 1999 I’ve been on a journey to discover and follow Jesus. So much has ensued from 1999 to 2014, marriage, babies, serving Him in full time ministry, gracious gifts from above. But there are specifically some lessons that have taken longer than others to learn so in the past twenty-five years this is what I have learned from my trip to hell in a hand basket.

1.    I CAN’T OUT SIN JESUS’ FORGIVENESS: This is a re-occurring lesson that I think I remind myself of often. From 1989 to 1999 I think it is a fair to say I was a Hot Mess!  I was a fake, a phony. I didn’t believe in God, but I played the game because I didn’t know how to tell people that my heart had been broken.  I wanted nothing to do with a God that would take my Mom from me. I made a lot of horrible choices, broke a lot of peoples trust and burned a lot of bridges. But and here is the good part in Romans 5:8 it says, “ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” Jesus Christ hung on a cross to pay my debt and because I believe that he died and has risen again I too can spend eternity with the Lord. I don’t have to try to earn his love. I don’t have to add anything, He has paid it all. The Lord did not wait until I had all my junk together to die. The Lord didn’t as Matt Chandler says, “Die for a better version of me.” He died for me when I was a hot mess and says to me, Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11: 28-30). Every breath I take is a second chance from the Lord given to me to make much of Him in how I live my life and love those he has placed in my life.

2.    I NEED TO FORGIVE AS I HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN. Matthew 18:35 Jesus is telling the parable about the unforgiving servant. The king forgave one servant for a gihugic debt but then that same servant went out and threw someone who owed him a few bucks in jail. The king gets word of this and throws that servant in jail. Jesus tells the crowd that his father will do the same if we do not forgive people from our heart. For years I would dream of sending that person who killed my mom letters, pictures of her six grand-children every year on the anniversary until I was convicted that I would not want the Lord to shine pictures of my sins in my face like rubbing a dogs noise in the mess they made on the floor. When I finally gave in to giving up my right to seek revenge on this person the Lord began to soften my heart, my own life was restored and I was let out of my own prison of unforgiveness.

3.    LEARN TO LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE? One of my favorite stories in the Bible is that of Joseph, the favorite son. I’d like to think of myself as being the favorite child. Okay you all know that my brother is the favorite but a girl can wish! Seriously though, Joseph had so many dreams of all that the Lord was going to do through him, he couldn’t keep them to himself. Because of his chatter his brothers were annoyed and threw him in a pit. Then he was sold into slavery. Then brought into Pharoh’s court only to be blamed for doing something he didn’t’ do and thrown back into jail until his gift for interpreting dreams was remembered. Joseph had no clue that the dreams the Lord gave him early on included a pit, but Joseph hung on and what satan meant for evil the Lord used for good. It has taken me 25 years to see that what satan meant for evil in destroying a family, two kids, and the loss of our children have because they will never know what an awesome Grandma they would have had.  All of this pain has been used for good not evil. On this side of Heaven I wont know why the Lord allowed this to happen, but I know that through our story as a family and individually people have been reached, the gospel of Jesus Christ and his redeeming power has been shared and the Lord has been glorified through this situation.

4.    GOD WON’T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. This might look good on a coffee mug or a t-shirt, but it makes me want to poke you in the eyes when well meaning people said it to me after my mom died. For so many years I walked around baffled at how this statement could even be true. I was hurt, confused, and angry as all get out. Who in their right mind would think that a 14 and 16 year old were strong enough to handle walking on this earth without their mom? The answer is that no one thought that. You can argue theology with me later, but I think this is a lie that satan feeds us to pull us away from God. The truth is that God will give us more than we can handle to show us how much we need him. He provides us a way out, but we have to choose his way out. We can choose to obey him and live an authentic life of pain and sorrow and even joy in that sorrow or we can run from him and live in disobedience. Living life for our own passions. Trying endlessly to fill the void left from not having him rule our lives. As I was taught from my old senior pastor, it’s okay not to be okay, but it’s not okay to stay that way. I had to choose, was I going to press into Jesus and trust him to heal me from the inside out (how many of you are singing right now?) or was going to run away? Was I going to continue to try and fill my life with things that would make me feel better for a short period of time only to wake up the next morning with a heart that was still broken?

5.    IF YOU CAN COUNT YOUR FRIENDS ON ONE HAND, YOU ARE BLESSED.  That morning when my Mom dropped me off at school, I laid into her. I was annoyed, hurt, frustrated. I always knew my Mom was my biggest fan, but of late she had not been to many of my games. In fact the weekend before she was gone with her girlfriends at their annual Palm Spring get-a-way. To say the least, I was a total jerk to my Mom that morning. I couldn’t express to her that I didn’t like that she hadn’t been to my games and that I felt like she was paying more attention to her friends and playing the piano for voice lessons instead of paying attention to me. After my Mom died these ladies that I thought had taken her attention away from me actually looked after me. They watched out for me. They kept tabs on me. They even came to my high school graduation. And now thanks to social media we have been able to re-connect and share our lives even when we are miles apart. They remind me how much my mom loved me. My mom always told me that I should have one handful of solid friends that can speak into my life and tell me when I was being a well I wont repeat what word she let slip out of her mouth, but you get the point. Looking back on the Sundays we spent sharing a meal with these families, doing life with these families has modeled for me how to be a friend to others. I take great honor that like my Mom I too am blessed with friends to do life with. To be able to speak into each others lives. To live with, love, and laugh with. Friends that challenge me to be all that God wants me to be. To be a better wife, mother, and friend. Being 14 I didn’t see the value in those friendships, oh but how I do now! I could never thank you ladies enough for modeling this type of friendship, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17 NIV) These friendships have laid a foundation that I hope to model for my boys daily!

6.    LOVE GOD AND LOVE OTHERS If you knew my mom, you knew if for just a brief moment in time what it meant to be loved. She loved the Lord with all of her heart, mind, and soul. I can still see her playing “I Surrender All” in church and her body moving to the music. She served others without wanting any acknowledgement. She served out of obedience, because it was her living sacrifice to the Lord, her act of worship. Our door was at times a revolving with friends, interns, and exchange students from foreign countries. Interns would stay the summer and still stay in contact with her even when they went back to school. Our house was opened for Bible studies, swim parties, bbq’s, and any other reason to have people over. She deeply enjoyed helping others and I would watch her serve sacrificially day end and day out wanting nothing in return. I have learned the beauty of serving others from her example. I have learned and am still learning how to Love the Lord with all of my heart, mind, and soul. It might have been derailed at times, but the Lord in his graciousness is working in me so he can work through me.

7.    I NEED TO BE INTENTIONAL WITH MY KIDS Like I said before; my mom was my biggest fan. I know that she loved me. My mom would pick me up from school and it was a rule in the car that when asked how my day was I was not allowed to say the four letter word, “Fine.” I had to give details of my day. She would tell her friends that I would talk her ear off, but not once did I ever feel that she was annoyed or pre-occupied. She gave me her full attention, she asked specific questions about my life, what kind of music I liked, who I was hanging out with, and who I had a crush on. There was no doubt in my mind that she didn’t care for me. I knew that she fought for me, on her knees every night in prayer I knew that she was fighting. Even though she was only in my life for 14 years, in that time she modeled for me these things that in turn I do with my kids. I don’t have a 14 year old yet, almost there, I pray that I will be consistent as she was with me.

At times I can’t believe that it has been 25 years since my mom died and then there are times that it feels like yesterday. I am so grateful that I have had these 25 years to process all of this and I am thankful that the Lord in his grace has given me another day to praise him and live for him. I look forward to each day the Lord gives me to learn more about him and what his purposes are fore me.

My mom would always say after asking her a ton of questions in 2.5 seconds, “what are you doing, writing a book?” So yes mom I am, I am almost on Chapter 40 and how deeply I wish you were here to see how this folds out, but I know that your remnants run through my story and will run generations to come. I know that one day we will meet again in Heaven. Mom, I will do everything by the power of Jesus to surrender my life daily to him in order to “make God smile.” Until we meet again Mom, I love you to the moon and back!