I wasn’t ever really good at the whole school thing. I grew
up under the shadow of an incredibly smart older brother. In high school, he had
like a 4.6 GPA. I might have had a 1.4 on a good day. The only thing in school
that I was good at was getting out of school, ditching until the nuns caught up
to me. My Dad finally took me for testing and I was diagnosed with dyslexia, auditory
discrimination (my Dad says I hear what I want to hear), and I was ADD. I had
to re-learn how to write, and learn how to read and comprehend what I read.
Last time I was tested in college I have a reading comprehension of maybe a 10th
grader. I love to read now, but it
is one of my biggest struggles.Today we have so many different options of where to send our kids to school, private, public, home school, charter school, on-line school. I grew up at a parochial school and then finished up high school at an all-girls Catholic High School. Laugh if you may, but it was probably the best four years of my life.
I am giving you this back-story to shed some light on our
current family situation. When my oldest son was in kindergarten at a
traditional public school we found out quickly that that program was not for
us. We moved him over to a charter school and have been in seventh heaven ever
since. Honestly, I didn’t want my kids to be gone five days, I know that might
sound lame, but it’s the truth. However, when my middle son, Corban started
school we knew something was not right.
Since Corban is a boy and was a young kindergartener there
wasn’t much the school was willing to do. It seemed that since he was a boy he
would “just grow out of it.” Then came and went first grade, again we were told
that “he is a boy, he will grow out of it.” In second grade, his teacher saw through
the “he’s just a boy” argument and guided us to get him tested. We have been
with Julian Charter School since first grade. They tested him and after reports
were submitted to the school and his medical doctor, Corban was diagnosed with
Dyslexia, Discraphia, and ADHD. He also has visual issues that block him from
learning the typical way. I would argue that he has auditory discrimination as
well, but maybe that is just a “boy thing.”
When we got the test results back, it crushed me. I think
Thom thought I was a little crazy, but I felt like it was the end of the world.
After a few days of tears and peanut butter and chocolate ice cream I came to
the conclusion that we would fight this and get through this. Pretty much
everyone knows what Dyslexia and ADHD are, but Discraphia isn’t as well known.
Basically Corban is under-developed with his gross and fine motor skills.
Because of this, he lacks the ability to form letters, to write, to draw. He
has spacing issues with his letters and the pictures he draws. He lacked the inner
core strength to ride a bike, to tie his shoes, to run without looking like
Phoebe. To his credit, this never stopped him from trying. He finally learned
how to ride a bike at the age of 8 and last year at the age of 9 he learned to
tie his shoes. He still wears his shorts and t-shirts backwards and laughs at
himself as he marches back to his room to fix his clothes. He is still working
on his motor skills. At times he still runs like Phoebe, but he is making
progress!
When we moved to Pine Valley, Thom and I decided that we
would stay with Julian Charter School through their home school program. This
meant that I would be home schooling him five days a week for nine whole months,
for the next two years. What on earth was I going to do….For the past 8 years
we have been with the charter system and I have helped with homework, projects,
or one day a week at home instruction of some kind….but homeschooling full time
was daunting, I think I might have cried like a lot!
My friends said that I was the perfect person to home school
him because I knew what he was going through. I knew his limitations and I
could empathize with him. I wish that were true. There have been days where I
get where he is coming from, but for the most part I have gotten frustrated, extremely
frustrated. Some days I have to call Thom to come home at lunch and talk to
Corban because one of us were not going to survive and I obviously have a
better survival rate then the boy. In time Julian Charter gave him more
services, we had vision therapy, occupational therapy, assisted time of
instruction. Seriously last year I was driving all over San Diego County it was
exhausting. My oldest came with us one day and said to me, “So basically all
you do is drive around all day?” I looked at him, took a breath, and he was
smart enough to get out of the car for a while.
I wasn’t sure that we were going to make it through 4th
grade with Corban. You might agree with my friends that I was the perfect
person to help him, but you have to understand that I took short cuts and
figured out ways how to ditch classes or memorize everything I could to get
through the test. My tricks were not appealing to Corban nor could they be
Corban’s way of doing things. He had the opportunity to learn how to do things
the correct way. I just was in over my head in showing him that way. When you
have a child that looks and for the most part acts normal people don’t
understand that there are underlying issues that make his life incredible
difficult. People outside the walls of our home don’t always understand how we
have to talk with him, explain things to him, process things with him. Some
people would argue that we do to much for him, those people don’t get much of
our attention. Our heart is to get Corban to the point where he not only can
function in the world, but where he can thrive in the world. There are still
days where Corban is just off and the end of the world is about to happen.
Nothing we say or do is right. He goes from anger to tears in 2.5 seconds. You
may see him walking around camp, our church, or even the baseball field
“talking or arguing with himself.” Just know that he is not crazy. We have
tried to teach him how to process his emotions without hitting walls or someone
in the face because those options will not bode well for him. I wonder how many
adults actually need to learn how to process their emotions…just sayin’.
As I said before, we moved to Pine Valley in 2013 to work at
a Christian Conference Center. So yes, I am a Christian. I am also an incredible
sinner who is prone to wander to working things out in my own strength and
pride. There’s a funny thing about working or being in “ministry” though, people
think that you are supposed to have it together or at least try and pretend
that you do. I have never been good at pretending that I had anything together.
I have never been good at playing this “Good Christian” role and I wasn’t about
to start. I have always lived a fairly transparent life especially with my
people, my tribe. For some reason though this all changed in 2013. I became a
different type of person on some levels. I was struggling hard as a mom, as a
friend, and as wife. I didn’t know how to help my son. I didn’t know why my
levels of emotions were up and down. I hid. I pulled back. I put my head down
and pushed through. I didn’t like to share about our struggles because we
weren’t supposed to have struggles. There were days that Corban would be his
fun loving self and then there were days that he either would be a crazy man or
an angry man. There were days where I would almost loose my mind trying to
teach him what a long A or short A was. Spelling, writing, were like a living
nightmare for us. I didn’t know how he would respond in situations so I stayed
hidden from the world. We would engage with a handful of people, but I would
never share how lonely, sad, mad, and frustrated I was. I would never share how
scared I was. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed help. I needed to be
honest with myself, Thom, Corban, and others.
I know many of my friends who live and breath by home
schooling their children. Obviously I am not one of those moms. That doesn’t
make me any less of a mom though. In fact knowing my limitations I was able to
set boundaries with Corban. I was able to ask Thom for help. I was able to talk
to his therapist and develop a plan of action for him and sometimes re-develop
said plan of action because that wasn’t working either. His therapist would
tell me, it is going to take time. I didn’t think I had any more time to give.
Honestly some days I didn’t want to give anymore time. I quit my job, I gave up
getting involved in different ministries at camp, I wasn’t mentoring or doing
anything for that matter that I wanted to do. All I was doing was tending to
Corban and our other boys. I felt a part of me, a big part of me had died and I
didn’t know how to get that back. All I knew what to do was to start praying,
start talking, and start being real again. Real with Thom, real with Corban,
real with our other boys. Letting them know my limitations. We started to get
more involved with our church. Finding things that I could do that brought back
that glimpse of life in me again. Funny thing is, when you are real with
others, that bridges the gap for them to be real with you and sometimes a bond
is formed. Motherhood is the hardest job that I have ever had. Being a mother
of a son with learning disabilities has been incredibly difficult. I have found
the solidarity with other moms whose kids may not march to the beat of the
standard drum, but I had to open up. I had to be vulnerable. I had to be real.
And in doing this, it hasn’t always been welcome. Some have been put off by our
story. Some have been judgmental. Some have been less than gracious. Some have
said we haven’t prayed enough. Some of those people have been put into my
journal of people that I want to punch in the throat if I were not a Christian.
I had a count down of the number of days that I had to home
school Corban. I would often tell the number to Thom. In fact just last
Christmas I was so excited to realize that I was just a few months away from
freedom. Julian Charter School has a middle school-high school program here in
Pine Valley and Corban will be mainstreamed next year. Can you hear the
excitement in my typing of those letters?
Well that excitement came to a hault today. Today I sat here
at the computer putting together my lesson plans for the last 8 weeks of
school. 8 weeks. In 8 weeks he will be free. I will be free. I will return to
my carpooling role. No longer will I be sole responsible for his education. His
IEP will be in effect at school. His accommodations will be set in place. He
will continue his therapy, but he will learn from three to four other teachers
that are not me. I will not have to make lesson plans. I will not have to dread
teaching science or math. I will not get to “get my nerd on” when it comes to
teaching him history. We will not have to figure out together grammar, reading,
and reading comprehension. I should be jumping for joy, but if I am being
honest I am a little sad today knowing that in 8 weeks our relationship will
look different, it will be different.
The last two years have been the hardest years of my life. I
wanted to quit more times than I can count on my two hands. Each time I would
go there, I would pray. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. Pray for words to
speak to Corban so he would understand what we were learning. Pray that I
wouldn’t loose my cool. Pray that I would speak words that would lift him up
and not tear him down. And then there were days I would have to ask for
forgiveness for the times that I said ugly words that hurt his soul. Days were
we would work through communication with him and learn how to enjoy him for who
God made him to be. I don’t know that I would be who I am today without these
past two years. Being able to be real and honest with others and being able to
empathize with others as they walk through the path of IEP’s and ADHD, and
understanding that their kids might not “fit the typical mold of what a child
should be.” I don’t know if I could say that I wouldn’t trade these past two
years for anything, because there were days that I was DONE. However, the bond
that has formed between me and Corban can not be replaced. We have grown so
much through this process and for that growth I would do it all again of course
knowing what I know now right…I guess at the end of the day I am telling you all of this to encourage you in that you are not alone. I want to be one of those moms that sees a two year old having a full blown tantrum in the store and smile at the Mom, help her, and tell her this shall soon pass. I want you to hear what I am saying and not what I am not saying. I am saying that if you are struggling as a mom, as a homeschool mom, as a mom with a child with special needs YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Don't hide from the world. Don't fake it until you make it. Be real. Be honest. Allow other people to help you. Don't waste your days in misery. Life is too short. Reach out and ask for help.
If you ever get the chance to get to know Corban, you will
find that he is one of the most caring, loving, forgiving, funny as all get out
kind of kids. In all of the years that he has been dealing with his
disabilities he maybe felt sorry for himself two or three times. He is a
fighter. He doesn’t give up. I am so proud of him. I am going to miss the snout
out of him next year. I might even be grieving the loss a little bit right now,
but I will enjoy the next 8 weeks. Knowing that God has sustained us through
this tough process. Knowing and trusting that when he is back in school he will
be okay. Knowing that if you see him in town with his shorts or shirt backwards
that you will quietly tell him and giggle as he runs to the bathroom to fix
himself.
